Doctor Doctor Give Me the News…..LBJ

Doc: "How can I help you today?"
Me: "What can you do for what's growing in my belly?"
Doc: " Well, let's have a look."

He punched my name in the computer and 'POSITIVE' flashed on the screen in neon lights. Bells went off and ticker tape fell from the ceiling.

Doc: "Well well, you have a bun in the oven."
Me: "That's the word on the streets."

He proceeds to ask me questions:
"Is there a history of Diabetes in your family/"
"No"
High Blood Pressure?"
No"
"Breast Cancer? Do you smoke? Drink? On any prescription drugs?"
"No. No. N.o No."
"Are you using contraceptives?"
"Now you tell me!"

He examined my nether region and then a magic want went on...and viola! On a portable TV screen my insides appeared on channel 4.

"Look at that. It's a baby." He sounded shocked. All I saw was a little pebble.
"This is the head, the torso....."
"Well if you say so. As long as you're certain it's a baby and not a gall stone."

He hit print and I now have to start a photo album of black and whites.
I brought the 'photos' home and showed my husband. "Look! It's your offspring. It looks just like a Lima Bean."

We affectionately refer to it as 'Lima Bean' and 'Junior' and sometimes call it 'Lima Bean Junior' - LBJ for short.

Hobbit

While I Knew what the result of the pregnancy test would be, it was still shocking to hear “It’s Positive.”

“The Doctor will see you now. Get undressed and wear this plastic piece of paper with a rubberband for a waist tie. He’ll be right in.”

I kept my socks on. I didn’t have a pedicure and my toes would not have been a pretty sight against the metal stirrup without a splash of Bada Bing Cherry nail colour on them.

I tried to get on the exam chair. Why is it whenever I’m trying to get on the exam chair at a doctor’s office, I feel like a hobbit climbing Mount Doom. My legs never seem to reach to get a foot up. I can’t rear up onto it. I’d have to bend my knees, get a good lift off and hurl myself back onto the exam chair almost always hitting my head on the light. I can climb on face forward. But it always means having to turn around and catching the rolled paper protective thingy and it getting twisted between my thighs. When I finally turn around, I’d have to lift myself up and straighten out the protective paper. The paper rips.

I’m so uncoordinated. How on earth did I manage to get pregnant?

(This post is from November 2009 - Just trying to catch everyone up)

Oh Where, Oh Where, Can Aunt Flo Be?

Well, Aunt Flo didn’t show up in November also! I decided not to take a test to determine if the human chorionic gonadotropin hormone (psst, that’s the pregnancy hormone) was present because I’ve missed Aunt Flo before and she showed up the month after.

But wait a second, she didn’t show up AGAIN, AND I started feeling nauseous....very nauseous. YIKES! There’s only one thing to do and that’s pee. I didn’t opt for the home pregnancy test. They claim to be 99% accurate but I really want 100% accuracy. So, I went to the doctor. I peed in the cup, handed it to the nurse and waited to hear what every woman who has unprotected sex either wants to hear or doesn’t.

Aunt Flo is MIA!!

Every month she shows up on time and stays the mandatory allotted days. She rarely makes a fuss the week prior to her arrival. The only thing she demands is a bit of chocolate. And while she’s here, I hardly know she’s around. She’s been a constant companion and a reminder that she’s a female friend.

Well, in October the bitch never showed up!! Leaves a girl to wonder ‘what happened?’ There could only be two possible answers; and I thought I was too young for one and too old for the other.

Pre-Menopause: NO WAY! How could that happen? Will have to Google this, but I think I’m too young.
Pregnant: NO WAY! How could that happen? Will have to Google this, but I think I’m not ready.