Where Have I Been?

For the past week, we have been scrubbing the apartment.
Okay, I'll admit I like things neat and tidy but maybe I've gone overboard this time.
Two weekends ago, we cleaned out our 'home office' getting rid of stuff we thought we needed but haven't looked at in over 8 years.

"When in doubt, throw it out" was my chant through out the clean spree.

Last Thursday, we had the apartment painted and then last weekend, we spent scrubbing every inch till it glistened and putting things back in order.

The windows got a good scrub down, inside and out. I can finally see out of them and peak into our neighbors. I'm buying binoculars. The oven walls aren't caked with grime. The food in the refrigerator is doing a happy dance cause it so clean in there.

There's a few things that still need scrubbing. The blinds. I have to put them in the tub, put on my bathing suit and get soaking wet as I clean them.

The little critter better not be a slob! It's Mamma won't tolerate it.

Sonogram

The 20 week sonogram is the important one. If there is anything wrong with the critter, it'll show up now. I did, well actually they did it a few weeks ago.

The lights were dimmed, soft music in the background. I was expecting dinner before the movie.
You expose your belly, they rub a little jelly. The wand presses against you and Critter is on the screen striking a pose.

The' technician' was looking at their screen and there was a monitor for me to see everything. She'd freeze frame an image and measure, measure again and type something. She moved to another part of the baby and another, always measuring and always typing. When she lingered on an image too long, I thought she had found something. Something odd.

I focused on the screen, trying to see if something didn't look right. But truthfully, everything looked strange to me. I've never had a baby before. I've never seen my insides before AND with a fetus in there.

OMG, what if she found something. A disease. A genetic imbalance. Something wrong with its organs. What is she typing?!?!?!?

I tried to ask questions, but I got the obligatory "Your doctor will share the results with you."
Come on, can't you just give me a "Lookin' good in there."

How Many Weeks??

I took math in school and can count. I know how to differentiate between days, weeks, months on a calendar. But yet, I can't figure out how many weeks I'm pregnant. And that's how you tell time in pregnancy, by weeks not months.

Every time I visit the Doctor, which is monthly. According to his calculations he always adds a
week; making me more pregnant than I think I am.

On December 10th, he told me I was 13 weeks pregnant.

On January 20th (6 weeks later) he told me I was 20 weeks pregnant....uuuuum, where did the extra week come from?

On March 2nd (again 6 weeks later) he told me I was 27 weeks pregnant....another week added!

Heeeeello, Doc! What kind of a calendar are you using?

Congestion, Gestion, What's your Fenction

I realize a woman's body goes through changes while pregnant but.....

I CAN'T BREATH!

Why am I stuffed up? Is this baby growing at such a rapid speed that it reached my nasal passage? I walk a few blocks and am panting as if I got chased by the IRS and didn't want them to catch me. I'll lay in bed snorting through my nose trying to get air. I toss and turn hoping the stuffiness will go from one side to the other side of my nose.

I've started breathing through my mouth.
And if I'm snoring in my sleep, I'm sorry if it keeps you awake at night little munchkin in me, but it's all your fault.

"The Book You Don't Read Won't Help" - Jim Rohn

When a close friend of ours found out I was pregnant, she shrieked at the top of her lungs with excitement.

She asked: "Are you reading lots of books? When I was pregnant, I read everything. You have to read _____ and ______ and _______." (I don't remember the names she threw out). "This book had the best information and if you're going to breast feed, you need to read _______.

"um, I got one book (What to Expect When You're Expecting) that I've been referencing occasionally. I pick it up every couple of days, read a few pages to find out what I should be experiencing and then carry on my daily routine."
"Aren't you curious what's going on inside you? Don't you want to know everything?" She asked.

OMG, I'm a bad parent already because I'm not reading every book on the subject of pregnancy and childbirth. I better crack open some books before child services knocks on my door.

A few days later, I got a package of books from our friend.
So I start reading. Sure they're a wealth of information, but I'm finding that some things are too graphic for me. I took Sex Ed in school. I saw the video of the birth; which I wanted to forget about the rest of my life. I now don't want to read about cutting and stitching and bleeding and pain.

I haven't picked up the 'graphic' book in a while. I should. I want to be a good Mommy.

Mrs. Potato Head

"You're eating for two now"
And boy have I been eating!!

So far through out this pregnancy, I've gone through cycles of food lusts.
Early on (1st trimester), I wanted Tater Tots and Tater Tots and Tater Tots. I resisted buying them cause, let's face it, we've all been brainwashed by Dr. Atkins to avoid starches.

We went to Hubby's sister's house for dinner. I walked into the kitchen to say hello to her as she was cooking.
"Hi, How are y.....TATER TOTS!!" I belted out, as she used the spatula to turn them over in a pan.
"I'm making them for the kids. Do you want some? Should I make some more?"
"YES and YES!"

We sat down for dinner and I wolfed down a plate full of tater tots drenched with ketchup.
Another sister-in-law asked "You're eating Tater Tots? That's not like you, you avoid potatoes at every corner."
We hadn't told the family yet I was carrying a bundle so I kept stuffing my face with tater tots avoiding the question.

I want STARCH! and not to use to iron clothes. But Noodles, pasta, potatoes, etc.

I'm sorry Dr. Atkins to have failed you, but it really isn't me....The Critter inside is making me do it.

Come On Baby, Light My Fire

"It's so hot in here!"
"Is it hot in here or is it me?"
"Can you please open the window, I need air."
Words I echo repeatedly.

All winter we kept the windows open in our apartment, and I'm not talking a crack.
"Are the windows open?" I'd ask Hubby.
"YES! They've been open for the past three months now pass the down comforter. It's chilly in here"
"How can you be cold?"
"Gee, I don't know maybe cause it's winter."

I realize during pregnancy a woman's body is changing and hormones are raging but do I really need to wake up in the middle of the night perspiring?
"Why is my pillow soaking wet?
I normally can't sleep without something covering me. Even in the summer, I need a light cotton blanket over me. I was too lazy to put away the down comforter and take out something lighter, plus I thought it would be cruel to hubby to only have a paper towel covering us. So I sleep with half my body uncovered.....one arm, one leg, etc. and every so often I turn so the other side is cool.
How do pregnant women survive in the summer? I think I'd go up in flames.

At times I just want to rip all my clothes off and jump into a tub of ice cubes.

Lots New......

....just been busy with work.
Tune in Shortly for some more fun.

I Could Have Made Aunt Jemima Rich

I was grocery shopping when all of a sudden I had this urge, this need, this want for pancakes.
I'm going to resist. I'm not caving in to the little critter's every desire. It has to learn that it can't get everything in life. Today, it wants pancakes. Tomorrow, a new car.

I pushed the cart through the aisles, loading it with fruits and veggies, milk and juice. They say don't go grocery shopping when hungry. Was I hungry? Cause my mind kept going back to Pancakes. I could taste them in my mouth, the fluffy dough drenched with real maple syrup.
I ran, almost tripping over my feet, to aisle #3 and grabbed the box that had the best looking pancakes on it.

I woke up the next morning, measured the pancake mix, beat the egg, added milk, etc. and sat down and devoured FIVE medium sized pancakes.

I had pancakes for breakfast for two weeks straight.
What kind of a car do kids like?

Oooooh Ooooh That Smell. Can't You Smell That Smell

"I feel nauseous." I repeatedly told Hubby.
"Do you have to throw up?" He asked.
"No."

Maybe I'm one of the lucky baby carriers, but I didn't vomit during the first trimester. Not Once!! AND I could keep food down. However, I did have a 24-hour nauseous sensation tho. I couldn't stand the smell of certain things. No one knew I was packing (too early to reveal the info) so I had to hide my disgust when inhaling. The worst culprit was chicken. When I saw/smelled cooked or uncooked the flightless friend that I enjoyed eating baked, fried, curried; I wanted to put her feathers back on and send her marching to the hen house.

It was difficult at my in-laws. How do I avoid eating chicken without insulting them? Maybe if I lower my head close to the plate, my hair will cover the food. Sure they'll think I'm ill mannered but they won't see my chickenless plate.

Also when Hubby hugged me I had to hold my nose without him noticing. YES, I couldn't stand the smell of my own husband. Actually, it was his deodorant. All these years I was grateful he had good hygiene and rubbed a stick under his arms, but now I turned my head as soon as his arms went around me. I didn't have the heart to tell him but he caught on that I was holding my nose considering I'd have to come up for air every so often.

Vitamins

As soon as a doctor finds out you’re pregnant. They pull out their prescription pad and scribble something only a person behind a plastic laminate counter in the back of a ‘drugstore’ can comprehend.

“You need to take vitamins” Doc said.

I’ve heard of pre-natal vitamins. They supposedly make your hair and nails stronger and grow like wild fire. Call me vain, but I’m all for that!

I filled the prescription at my local spot, Brought the box home and opened it up to start taking the vitamins. The instructions were: Take one of each daily with a meal. Okay, I can follow directions.

BUT WHAT I CAN’T FOLLOW IS HOW TO OPEN THE DAMN THING!!!!!!

It says ‘Peel’. I dug my fingernail into the edge and I tried to ‘Peel’ goshdarnit! I know I’m not the stronger woman on earth, but I ain’t the weakest either! This should just require a simple ‘peel’ back of the paper NOT a membership to the Weightlifting Gym!

I ran to Hubby. “You want a healthy baby? PEEL!”

Well obviously Hubby isn’t strong enough to ‘Peel’ either cause he went to the kitchen, got a knife and made a slit in it and got the vitamins.

So now every morning after breakfast, I arm myself with a knife and stab where it says ‘PEEL’ and dig out the pills.

Doctor Doctor Give Me the News…..LBJ

Doc: "How can I help you today?"
Me: "What can you do for what's growing in my belly?"
Doc: " Well, let's have a look."

He punched my name in the computer and 'POSITIVE' flashed on the screen in neon lights. Bells went off and ticker tape fell from the ceiling.

Doc: "Well well, you have a bun in the oven."
Me: "That's the word on the streets."

He proceeds to ask me questions:
"Is there a history of Diabetes in your family/"
"No"
High Blood Pressure?"
No"
"Breast Cancer? Do you smoke? Drink? On any prescription drugs?"
"No. No. N.o No."
"Are you using contraceptives?"
"Now you tell me!"

He examined my nether region and then a magic want went on...and viola! On a portable TV screen my insides appeared on channel 4.

"Look at that. It's a baby." He sounded shocked. All I saw was a little pebble.
"This is the head, the torso....."
"Well if you say so. As long as you're certain it's a baby and not a gall stone."

He hit print and I now have to start a photo album of black and whites.
I brought the 'photos' home and showed my husband. "Look! It's your offspring. It looks just like a Lima Bean."

We affectionately refer to it as 'Lima Bean' and 'Junior' and sometimes call it 'Lima Bean Junior' - LBJ for short.

Hobbit

While I Knew what the result of the pregnancy test would be, it was still shocking to hear “It’s Positive.”

“The Doctor will see you now. Get undressed and wear this plastic piece of paper with a rubberband for a waist tie. He’ll be right in.”

I kept my socks on. I didn’t have a pedicure and my toes would not have been a pretty sight against the metal stirrup without a splash of Bada Bing Cherry nail colour on them.

I tried to get on the exam chair. Why is it whenever I’m trying to get on the exam chair at a doctor’s office, I feel like a hobbit climbing Mount Doom. My legs never seem to reach to get a foot up. I can’t rear up onto it. I’d have to bend my knees, get a good lift off and hurl myself back onto the exam chair almost always hitting my head on the light. I can climb on face forward. But it always means having to turn around and catching the rolled paper protective thingy and it getting twisted between my thighs. When I finally turn around, I’d have to lift myself up and straighten out the protective paper. The paper rips.

I’m so uncoordinated. How on earth did I manage to get pregnant?

(This post is from November 2009 - Just trying to catch everyone up)

Oh Where, Oh Where, Can Aunt Flo Be?

Well, Aunt Flo didn’t show up in November also! I decided not to take a test to determine if the human chorionic gonadotropin hormone (psst, that’s the pregnancy hormone) was present because I’ve missed Aunt Flo before and she showed up the month after.

But wait a second, she didn’t show up AGAIN, AND I started feeling nauseous....very nauseous. YIKES! There’s only one thing to do and that’s pee. I didn’t opt for the home pregnancy test. They claim to be 99% accurate but I really want 100% accuracy. So, I went to the doctor. I peed in the cup, handed it to the nurse and waited to hear what every woman who has unprotected sex either wants to hear or doesn’t.

Aunt Flo is MIA!!

Every month she shows up on time and stays the mandatory allotted days. She rarely makes a fuss the week prior to her arrival. The only thing she demands is a bit of chocolate. And while she’s here, I hardly know she’s around. She’s been a constant companion and a reminder that she’s a female friend.

Well, in October the bitch never showed up!! Leaves a girl to wonder ‘what happened?’ There could only be two possible answers; and I thought I was too young for one and too old for the other.

Pre-Menopause: NO WAY! How could that happen? Will have to Google this, but I think I’m too young.
Pregnant: NO WAY! How could that happen? Will have to Google this, but I think I’m not ready.